By Sal Bommarito

I was distraught when I found out that the Dos Equis’ former “most interesting man in the world,’ Jonathan Goldsmith age 77, was being replaced by Augustin Legrand age 41.

Out of respect Dos Equis should have had Goldsmith tutor the youngster in the art of being interesting. And really, shouldn’t the most interesting man only be replaced after his demise. You can’t have two “mosts.” I would have concocted a grandiose stunt, gone bad, to send off Goldsmith.

You might be asking yourself what the hell is behind my devotion to the original most interesting man? The answer is that I wrote several pieces about his exploits and reputation for another blog a few years ago.

Here are some of the comments about the most interesting man that I was able to capture at the time:

1) He lives vicariously through himself.

2) He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.

3) His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

4) When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.

5) His shirts never wrinkle.

6) He is left-handed and right-handed.

7) If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.

8) The police often question him just because they find him interesting.

9) His blood smells like cologne.

10) On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede.

11) Cuba imports cigars from him. Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect. In museums, he is allowed to touch the art.

12) His business card simply says “I’ll call you.”

13) He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.

14) If he were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the urge to thank him.

15) He bowls overhand.

16) He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks.

17) He tips an astonishing 100%.

18) Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut.

19) Panhandlers give him money.

20) He divorced his wife because he caught her littering.

21) His passport requires no photograph.

22) When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.

The piece that included these items generated over 220,000 hits, my highest total ever.

Not being too far behind the original most interesting man, age-wise that is, I was always impressed by his demeanor and how women were attracted to him. James Bond drank martinis and the most interesting man drank beer. He was a common person’s idol.

Dos Equis decided to upgrade the brand by bringing in new blood. This makes me sad because I don’t want to be upgraded. It’s a commentary on western culture- a dearth of respect for those in their golden years. This doesn’t happen in older countries throughout the world.

Mental strength and experience should count at least as much as physical attraction. I’ll bet this guy Legrand is a total stud. At 44 I doubt he will be idolized by millennials. If millennials are so important to Dos Equis, it should have picked one to be the new spokesperson. I would’ve opted for a man of 30 with a five-year term limit. And why wasn’t a woman selected- the most interesting woman in the world has a nice ring to it.

Just remember when the most interesting man in the world is sad (which he is today), every nation across the globe lowers their flag to half staff.